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The elevator door was about to open into the lobby and she was thankful to finally be close to the ground floor. She had once thought it was wonderful to live in a penthouse so high up from the rabble of the crowd below.

Not any more though. Now it just seemed like such a waste of time to have to stand in an elevator as it traveled up or down so much. To travel down several hundred feet in a metal box took several minutes. Minutes that in her estimation she could use much better if she was actually working on something useful instead of just getting from point a to point b.

As the door to the elevator opened up Airi noticed that the lobby was filled with an abundance of activity, as the tower that she had once called home was more than just penthouse apartments. It held several offices, and businesses. Many of which carried her family's name.

She stepped out of the soft music filled elevator and into the crowd of people as several people pushed past her to get onto the elevator that she had just vacated. She noticed that no one took out a key and put it in the panel. So none were residents.  

Of course she didn’t think that at the current time there wouldn’t be very many of the residences coming home. If they could afford a living space in her family's tower then they didn’t have to work nights very often and not coming home till nearly 10 in the morning was pushing it even for social elites.

She had taken her family’s wealth for granted so much when she was younger. Now it simply seemed like a burden. Even though it afforded her the ability to live unencumbered for the most part. Except for the mark, the mark didn’t care about heritage, or wealth. So she was stuck with it. Then there was the fact that several people in Atlanta wanted her dead because of her last name.

So with that in mind Airi walked through the lobby with the utmost vigilance. Of course the lobby was a beautiful light filled ground floor. With windows that ran from the floor all the way up to what would be the second floor. Bright shining steel and glass adorned much of the lobby. Video screens were spread across the vast area, and a information center sat in the middle to help point people in the right direction if they were new to the building.

As Airi stood in silent awe of the space for a moment she realized that anyone in the lobby could be a threat to her. She quickly counted all the possible exits. She made mental notes of every last person that came within five feet of her. She calculated possible weaknesses, and made plans on how to take out every perceived threat in the room. At least those that stood in between her and her preferred exit. Then she started moving again. She needed to get out of the building, but she kept getting distracted by old memories of a life that she didn’t really live any more.

As she neared the door she felt the mark on her shoulder grow hot. “Well shit” she muttered under her breath. “Not here not now” she mumbled just as a strong set of hands landed on each of her arms and led her from the lobby to the outside. Just as they put her in the back of a black Yukon and slammed the door shut she noticed the time on the digital video feed across the street 9:58.

Muscle bound meatheads sat on each side of her. The one on her right reached to her waist line. He felt around her waist band and pulled out her Glock, holster and all.

He handed the weapon up to the driver who was putting the large SUV into gear and pulling away from the sidewalk. The mark continued to grow hotter as she said to the thugs who sat on each side of her “come on guys it’s way too damn early for this shit.”

“Shut up bitch” said the one on the left as he forcefully elbowed her in the back of the head. A blow that should have knocked her out.

Instead Airi raised her head her eyes glowing a bright golden color, and a voice much deeper and more menacing than her own spoke though her “you really shouldn’t have done that.”
Finally on the ground Airi is ready to get her tasks done, when she encounters people with other plans for her. Thats when the mark begins to show what it's all about.
Previously:Airi's Long Day: 9:41
Next: Airi's Long Day: 10:10
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I'm going to assume that this isn't a first chapter, but it's the first I've read, so take that into consideration when reading this critique.

This is a short scene and seems for the most part just to be filler from what happened before to what is going to happen next. There is no real significance to the scene. A lot of time is spent on the elevator, residents and guests and Airi's name. But are all of those things necessary for the plot?

Obviously, her name will. You've set the ground work for her family's history having a profound interest in her future. Most notably, the fact that people want her dead just because of her name. So, yes. Name is important.

But what about the elevator and her musings about the residents and tenants of the building? Is there a significance to the plot line or is that just added in to pass to the time in the elevator?

I ask because there is a large amount of this scene dedicated to it. If doesn't advance plot or character development, it's just a filler and pulls the reader away from the story.

I'm not sure what the mark is, but I find it very interesting. I'd rather hear more about that, than the elevator. If she has to fill her journey in the elevator with musings, then it should be something to keep the reader's interest. Give some back story on the mark, or more history on her family. There's a lull in the action, which is fine as long as you keep the interest there. Which off the wall musings don't do.

I love the cliffhanger ending. But that's only because I'm a glutton for punishment and I try to do the same in my own writing (well, at least when I'm writing something in chaptered form). Maybe a little more description at the end and a show of how the muscle gets her in the car. Something to amp up the action a bit?

Overall, I really liked this short snippet. The voice is wonderful and it's an easy read not bogged down by overly descriptive exposition or hard to grasp sentences.

Well done.
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CometsCollide Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
This so good! Very well written with enough detail to make it interesting, but not too much. I'm so curious about what will happen next!
Pettyexpo Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I have tired to take my time and focus on quality over speed and length with this series. Stay tuned the next part could drop any time.
Detective-Barricade Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Well things are about to get messy...
Pettyexpo Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
It certainly would seem that way.
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Submitted on
October 20, 2016
Mature Content


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